with my dad its worse, its either silence or volcano. and it both me and dad volcano erupting at the same time. cause my parents really. know where it hurts worse when it comes to arguing.
i dunno when i started to learn,
to forgive and relent. to understand my parent's pain and motivations.
but sometimes, maybe some will say childish times,
i still stick to my beliefs and principles, and ideals, and refuse to relent.
i admit some decisions i made despite opposition i will never regret.
shooting is one of them.
i had a lot of pain, anguish going through a lot of things before i could shoot.
and i endured through all of it.
because i really liked shooting.
even though now im not shooting anymore, cause i didnt want to have an
additional thing to constantly argue with mum, and i didnt have cca as an excuse.
but i didnt regret all that i have been through.
thats exactly why.
the day of nationals. i cried.
in front of my team mates, ms fau, my cca teachers, the coach.
when i hated to cry in public, with ppl around.
cause i was indignant. and irritated that despite all that.
i was blamed for my result.
and the reason was. i didnt work hard enough or train enough.
pah. everyone knew my sacrifices, except her.
the one who blamed me for her failure. (not my mum. some person i cant name for various reasons. )
even with all this, i regret making alot more. doing a lot of things due to spite.
not giving enough thought to what im saying or doing as i was emotionally upset.
some close frens tell me im outsidely happy but deep inside im a super emo kid.
maybe its cause of the frustrations i get as a kid, hidden deep within.
despite many years of being able to release it, i guess i havent learnt.
im not saying i have bad parents.
it just, we didnt learn how to communicate properly even after 20 years.
i realised i learnt to bypass her arguments, instead of directly addressing it.
and time and again, i lost the chance to learn how to communicate properly.
because i got agitated, because i was upset that i got hit at a raw nerve again.
like i told my brother. i dont get angry at people i dont care for.
i dont see the need to.
i dont like to argue with people. i complain. sure i do.
i know its a bad habit i need to kick.
but i avoid conflicts at all costs.
people who piss me off, i treat them as invisible.
if there is a need, i will be cordial.
but i wun argue with them, unless i happen to be in a really bad mood.
cause their not worth my breath.
but. i need to learn to grow up,
stop being so childish,
to learn to let go.
even if i feel it isnt right.
cause it's family.
cracks that are made.
even if glue is used to patch them up,
the groundwork has been gone.
